This week has certainly been a roller-coaster of emotions, there’s no denying that. I have literally been all over the place, and I’ve spent most of the time with absolutely no clue how I feel, or even how I feel like I’m supposed to feel. It’s been a ride and a half.
I’ve had some serious highs and some serious lows at the same time. Sometimes I feel like given everything my emotions have been remarkably calm and level, but that just makes me nervous. I feel like there needs to be a full crash at some point, like I need to completely shatter apart before I can build myself back together again, at the moment I just feel cracked.
Like I know that at some point something is going to happen that will cause everthing to shatter apart in a beautiful disaster. And I know that imagery is dramatic and nowhere near what will actually happen (at best it’ll be an ugly disaster). Also I just really enjoy being a dramatic, and a vaguely narcissistic, egotistical, arsehole at times. But hey, gotta take my pleasures where I can get them these days.
I thought yesterday was going to be my crashing point, the end of my free fall into destruction. I’d spent the day on such a high, the convention highs are intense, being surrounded by so many wonderful, incredible, beautiful people, and being a part of something special that is so much bigger than yourself, when you’re all connected by a common thread, is something that can only be described as purely magical.
I hit a point, somewhere in the early evening, where I suddenly felt so alone, and like reality was coming crashing back into place. It probably wasn’t helped by about 4 hours of sleep and a photo op that made me feel truly horrific and incredibly body conscious when I’d been so pumped about my outfit that morning. I’d felt amazing about myself, and yet that one photograph made me feel like complete and utter trash.
So I did what any mature and well adjusted adult does (hah, definetly joking), and got myself another beer and sat myself down to play drinking games with some people I vaguely kinda sorta knew. Did I mention that these conventionss are wonderful yet? I did end up feeling better about myself, and like maybe the world wasn’t all bad. I also went to bed slightly earlier than I had the previous night, a tired Sophie is always an emotional Sophie, and I’m trying not to cry today.
When I do eventually have my breakdown I’d like it to be far away from anyone I know, and preferably somewhere out in the wilderness surrounded by animals. For today at least I feel good. Though maybe ask me again after tonight’s closing ceremony. I’m probably gonna cry.