Do you ever feel like your own personality is stuck in a state of flux? Like you’re not sure exactly who you are? Like who you thought you were feels like it no longer exists? Because that’s how I feel right about now. I feel like who I am, who I was, who I thought I might become has been torn apart and scattered into the wind. All the different pieces of my personality fluttering around me. Some that have floated out of reach, and others that feel like they no longer fit.
It’s a very strange way to feel, sometimes I feel so in flux that the stories I’m getting myself lost start to feel more like me than I feel. Like these characters on a page or on a screen are far more real than I am myself, like they exist and I’m the character. However, like any character I need writing, like when you pick character traits in The Sims.
So that’s what I’m trying to do. To work out which pieces of me are the ones I want to keep, which ones I want to nurture, to create. And to work out which pieces of me are changing. It means that I’m very susceptible to new influences and stimuli right now. Hence a sudden and intense love of late 50’s and early 60’s music at the minute, borne out of an old but recently rediscovered love of call the midwife.
I like the music, it makes me feel alive and happy and oftentimes all sorts of emotions that I can’t describe. It makes me want to dance, and cry, and bounce around my house cleaning whilst I listen to the songs playing on a record player. It makes me feel far more than anything else I’ve listened to recently, and it’s horrifying and beautiful at the same time. A special kind of magic that I didn’t realise existed.
It’s also influencing my fashion and style choices, though not by much. Just more fitted trousers and blouses and less jeans and plaid. I would quite like some low heels though, or perhaps some shiny patent brogues. Though I have to admit that I’m not sure I could pull off any of the hairstyles, at least not without considerable effort every morning, and I’m just too lazy for that.
Being in this state of flux is confusing, and slightly scary at times. Especially when I have moments when I feel like I could just float away, or simply fade out of existence, and I wouldn’t notice the difference. However, it’s also exciting and beautiful. I get to create and explore within the sandbox of who I am.
Change is afoot, and I’m leading the charge.